Someone asked me on Twitter the other day: “Have you ever wondered why women like us continue to meet and be attracted to emotionally unavailable men?” And I was like WHOA. Sometimes you just need to see your own bad habits in writing to stop and ask yourself, “Why do I do that?”
Truth be told, this is an issue that I have struggled with in my dating life since I can remember. I often feel like a magnet for unavailable men: Men who are not emotionally available, not physically available, or in some really unfortunate cases, both. This can vary from men who have just left serious relationships, who have just divorced or who live throughout the country.
When you see a pattern like this repeated over and over again in your life, it is wise to pause and try to get to the root of the problem. Because it’s not just about the thrill of the chase or wanting what you can’t have. Usually it is something much deeper … something you probably don’t want to admit or about yourself.
But the only way to stop making counterproductive decisions is to confront your own counterproductive behaviors head on. So let’s dive, okay? Why does it always seem that we reject emotionally mature men and yearn for emotionally stunted?
Fear of compromise
Yes, ladies, it’s not just men. We can also fear commitment. Remember the movie Runaway Bride ? As much as I think I want to sit down and I can’t wait to get married, the attraction of single life is strong. Especially if you, like me, have been single most of your life.
We single women have total freedom, we march to the rhythm of our own drums, and we don’t respond to anyone. And yes, singleness can sometimes be lonely, exhausting and challenging … but it can also be wild, loose and unpretentious.
Now I am 40 years old and I have my own customs. And the idea of someone entering my life and changing it completely scares me a little. So I think that sometimes I take away men who I know would inherently be great life partners because they represent being tied and gravitate towards those whom I know that deep down there is never a real opportunity for them to commit.
How is this internal fault fixed? Well, I’ll let you know when I find out. But therapy is helping me get to the bottom of my phobia of step-by-step commitment and is a big part of my self-care routine. I strongly recommend that you incorporate it into yours as well.
We are not emotionally available to ourselves
That is, we don’t like to meet our own emotional needs, so why would the men who do it attract us? Other people tend to adopt the same attitude towards us that we have towards us … and if we are negligent with ourselves, we will look for others who are also with us. That’s why self-love is so important. It sets the tone for our whole life, and especially for our love lives. The way YOU treat yourself teaches others how to treat you.
Lack of self-esteem
This goes hand in hand with the number 2. If we do not believe that we are worthy of the best love and the best life that life has to offer, and if we do not believe that we are worthy of a full, limitless, emotionally committed partner, we will never attract to that kind of people towards us. We will always settle for the love we THINK we deserve, and if our self-esteem tank is empty, the relationships we choose will be equally empty. This is the thing: YOU ARE VALUABLE FOR SOMEONE WHO REALLY LOVES YOU. You are worthy of someone who appears next to you, physically and emotionally. You are worthy of the BEST love. Love readily available. Or unconditional love. Of a brave and bold love. But YOU have to believe it to receive it.
Ultimately, like most things in life, attracting the type of partner you want and deserve begins with YOU. There is no magic elixir or a love potion or a self-help book that can bring you a love that you do not consider yourself worthy. When YOU appear for you, when YOU honor and respect yourself, and when YOU love yourself… others will too. It really is as simple as that.